Fat Little F**ker

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Fat Little F***ker

by R. LeRoy



John was working in Branson, Missouri in a job that was not related to the country music industry, but due to the nature of his job he had become good friends and golfing buddies with many of the celebrities performing in Branson.  One of the nationally well known entertainers that John played golf with frequently had a favorite nickname  for John.  The nickname was (is) “Fat Little F**ker”.

This week John and our piano player/singer were playing in a Home Builders Association tournament; but the week before they had been playing at Point Royale Country Club in Branson. Micky had a shot laying on the inside bank of a small stagnant pond.  When the Mick hit his shot, from this precarious position, he lost his balance and fell in the pond.  When he came up he was covered in yuck with moss and gunk dripping off his head. The two others in the foursome were musicians in his band, and couldn’t laugh at their boss, but the same wasn’t true of John.  Micky was sopping wet, covered in gunk dripping off his head, standing there with water up to the middle of this calf looking pathetic with his skinny little bird legs. John could not control himself.  John laughed and laughed and laughed until the Micky got fed up with him and finally yelled out  “Shut up you fat little f**ker.”  This was when John his nickname.

(Mickey isn’t the only golfer to fall into a pond.)


On the day of the Home Builders Association tournament at Hidden Valley Golf Course near Springfield, Missouri.  John and the Micky were about to tee off on a par four hole.  Now, keep in mind that most celebrities that play golf are actually pretty fair golfers because they have the time to get out and play regularly, and they have the finances for the best equipment, and normally play the courses in the best condition.  Micky teed off first.  This was a short 269 yard par four.  He hit a good shot and drove the green.  He was very pleased with himself, but he was still upset with John for ridiculing him when he fell in the pond the week before, so he looked at John and said,  “Let’s see you beat that you Fat Little F**ker.”

The other members of the foursome had a good laugh at this, including John.  John chocked down on his club a little and teed off.  The flight was straight, but looked like it was going to be short.  The weather had been hot, so the ball got some good leg, it rolled up on the green, and into the cup for a hole in one ;  three under par albatross.  This was terribly exciting, even for Mick.

Everyone had a great time for the remainder of the tournament and hung out talking, eating and drinking at the 19th.

A week later John was performing his job duties when he met two men at their home.  They started talking golf.  John’s job required him to meet lots of celebrities, but it’s not necessarily the type of job where the average person would think this would be the case.  While they were talking golf John mentioned several different celebrities that he would golf with.  The men were somewhat skeptical, but appeared impressed.

The three men made a golf date for two days from today to play at Holiday Hills golf course,  just outside Branson, Missouri.   The three were playing and after promptings from the two strangers, John told them story after story abut some of the more exciting experiences he’d had with 20 or more celebrities.  In the beginning the two men were thrilled with the stories, but by about the 6th hole John could see that their attitudes had changed.  He could just tell that they thought he was nothing but a bull-shitter.  Especially after e told them that Micky Gilley had nicknamed him Fat Little F**ker.

When John came to this realization he shut up and quit replaying his stories for them.

The three finished the front nine and were getting ready to tee off on the back.  By now their attitudes were very cold toward John.  John teed up and was addressing his ball before teeing off.  Suddenly he felt himself being goosed from behind.  He turned around and there was Mickey Gilley and Willie Nelson standing behind him.  Our celeb had goosed John with the end of a golf club, and said,  “Hey you fat little f**ker, we’re getting ready to tee off. You want to come play with us?”

“No thanks old buddy.  I’m already playing with these guys, but after we finish I’ll play the back again with you and Willie.”

Okay, John.  By the way, Glenn Campbell and Andy Williams will be in town next week and I told them I’d try to talk you into playing.  Andy said he won’t forget the wedge shot where you holed out from 140 yards a couple of months ago. He wants to see if you can do that again.

“Just let me know where and when,”  said John.

John looked around and there stood his two playing partners with their mouths gaped wide open.

“You guys better shut your mouths before the flies fly in,” said John.  They couldn’t believe that John turned down Mickey Gilley and Willie Nelson to continue playing with them. Needless to say, the attitudes on the back nine were much different than they had been on the front.



The Staff wishes to remind all readers that these stories should always be considered works of FICTION.